Snots, kill.
Kill!
Kill! Where you going, Snots? Come back here!
It is not a Christmas tree.
- But it'll do. - It'll have to.
You know, we used to have a big tree every Christmas when I was a kid.
My father would take hours to pick it out.
He sometimes would do everything but x-ray it. Then he'd turn to us and say:
"You are looking at the best Christmas tree in Kansas City. No, in the world."
Christmas with Daddy.
Guess dads are all like that at Christmas.
Even Eddie.
That's a good piggy, that's a good piggy.
It's so beautiful here.
Yeah. If only it had a shopping mall.
- The house is coming along great. - Yeah, it's a great Christmas gift.
Look at him.
It's a funny thing, you know.
Here we are in serious trouble and I've never seen Eddie so happy.
Sometimes a crisis brings out the best in a person. I mean, he's even working.
Hey, Dad? Dad? Dad!
There's something I've got to tell you.
It's your girlfriend.
- Is she pregnant? - No!
It's just that...
I always thought that...
...you were kind of...
...sort of...
- Gay? - No.
Just... The bottom of the food chain.
Well, I was wrong.
I mean, you know, like, you never worked much.
Mom took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned...
...worked three jobs.
And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on the house and the repo people took the RV.
I loved that RV.
That RV!
And here we are on a desert island, who knows where...
...and he goes out and kills with his bare hands to feed his family.
I mean, can you imagine him taking on that huge animal and beating him in a fair fight?
I know. I mean, God, he was like a caveman or a gladiator or something.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, I was wrong.
No, you were right. I'm just no good.
Right. You know, normally.
But here, on this island...
...you've been great.
Do you mean that?
Yeah.
Boy...
...you don't know how good that makes me feel.
From now on...
...I�ve got no place to go but up!
Hi, it's Audrey Griswold. Leave a message and merry Christmas.
Ever Ready Plumbing here. We'll have a man out to your house within 30 days.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas morning, everybody!
Merry Christmas morning!
- Yeah! - Come here, you. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Milwaukee.
Here's...
...Mr. Christmas himself.
It's Saint Nick.
Merry Christmas, Audrey, this is from Eddie.
Eddie, this is great. Lipstick! It's my favorite color.
- Where did you get it? - Found it in your purse.
This is from Third.
Third, my gosh, look at that!
That's a deluxe spear.
It's an aerodynamically correct spear, Dad.
See those fins? Those are for throwing accurately.
Looks like a one-way street sign.
Well, let's take it for a little test drive, shall we?
Okay, now let's sing a few Christmas songs.
Let's see.
Hey, I got another surprise for us here.
A homemade concoction that my dad used to make.
Only, he had a still and sold it to the neighbors...
...but it kept us going through the lean times, until he got caught...
...and wound up doing 3 to 5. But here's a taste.
All right. Well, here goes.
That's got a kick. What is in that?
Well, it's got three parts coconut milk, two parts bug juice...
...six parts bourbon, a little banana peel for texture and a Tootsie Roll.
Oh, and some sunscreen.
Lord, I wanna thank you for keeping us healthy and, particularly, alive...
...during this whole shipwreck deal.
But most of all, Lord, I wanna thank you for this house.
Oh, it's a good house, Lord.
It's probably the first house we ever had where we didn't owe a mortgage or taxes.
And maybe the only house we'll ever have where the bank won't foreclose on it.
Oh, it's not as nice as Audrey's house, but it's a fine house, Lord.
And I want you to please just find it to forgive me, Lord...
...for losing the RV and the dirt farm, Lord.
- We are sin, Lord..! - Can I say something?
Excuse me, Lord.
Yeah?
What's in the coconut?
Another tropical surprise.
Can we drink the surprise first and then bust the coconut?
- No. - Well, there you have it.
Anyway, Lord, be it ever so humble, there's no place like this here house.
Amen.
- Merry Christmas! - Oh, merry Christmas to you!
Eddie!
Put me down, put me down, put me down!
You did it, Dad!
You killed a boar and built our own damn house!
Watch your mouth, Third.
Well, we've learned something here today.
We definitely have to make it more secure.
Let's eat.
Eddie.
Eddie, you're so brave. And you have a good sense of humor.
You're my hero...
It's a plane! A plane! And he sees us!
It's Jack, it's Melbourne Jack Malpey!
We're saved!
- Over here! - Uncle Nick!
Uncle Nick, wake up! We're rescued, we're saved!
Saved.
From what?
Down here!
Jack! It's me, Audrey!
We've had search parties all over looking for you and that boat.
They found the boat 300 miles from here.
You've been searching for me this whole time? You're a hero!
Well, you found me. You did say you weren't married?
Actually, I was flying over to check a hotel I own...
...on the other side of the island when I saw Eddie on the cliff.
Probably, nobody thought of looking here.
Well, it's only 10 miles, you could have walked to my hotel.
Well, I...
...guess we better pack up and get out of here, then.
Man. You know, I got all excited when I first saw the plane...
...but I'm really gonna miss this place.
This was the best vacation this family has ever had.
Oh, well.
It was great, but it'll be good to get back to civilization.
Civilization. People like to live in crowds...
...because they don't trust each other.
I don't know, there's some good things about civilization.
Name one.
Massages, manicures, frozen artichokes...
...hot tubs, champagne.
I wanna say something.
I'm gonna miss not having a lot of things.
It's been great without telephones and people you never even met calling...
...trying to sell you things you don't even need.
And rap music on beer commercials...
...and junk mail!
I'm gonna miss us all being so together...
...and the way everybody chipped in and worked.
- It was a Christmas thing. - I saw an airplane!
I saw an airplane! We're saved!
I saw a plane!
Jack!
What are you doing here?
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
This was the best Christmas I've ever had.
It was fun being a part of your family here on...
- What is the name of this island? - It was named after King Halehalki...
...but you can change it. He was a headhunter.
I say we rename it Eddie Island...
...in honor of the man who killed the boar.
Well.
- What business did you say you were in? - I was in nuclear research.
- You're kidding. - No, no. Nuclear research.
But then I got laid off. But then, because I got bit on the ass...
...they gave me this here Christmas vacation.
You got laid off? Did the company downsize?
Yeah, well, the other guy, he's a lot smaller than I was.
I was better at the job.
- Jack's incredible, isn't he? - Yeah, he's a really great guy.
- He's so mature. - Big deal. Uncle Nick's mature.
This is liable to roll down a hill and kill a little pig or something.
I better move this.
Hey, hold it. You gonna bust your rollers trying to move that. Let me help you.
Put it over there.
- Where? - Over there.
Let go, let go, you're choking me.
- What? - Let go!
All right.
Jack?
- Oh, Jack, don't get up. - I'm all right.
No, no. Jack, you took a terrible fall. You need rest and care.
I'm fine.
I wouldn't go into a career in the moving business any time soon, if I were you.
You all ready to fly?
I'm gonna really miss the old homestead.
Jack, you okay?
I'm okay, it's just a headache. There are some aspirin in the cabin.
- His head hurts. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he needs me! He needs me!
Now, now, he'll be all right.
Just got a headache.
He'll be all right.
Maluka tower, this is Mike 808 Mike...
...Melbourne Jack here. I've just picked up some lost souls...
...on the rear end of King Halehalki Island. - Eddie Island!
Our position is...
Hell, I don't know where we are.
I'm not too well, my friend.
I like you, Ed. You're a good man.
You're not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but you're a good man.
- Jack! - Mike 808 Mike...
... say again your position, over.
Help!
This is Maluka tower, merry Christmas. Is that you, Jack?
No, it's Eddie! Jack, he fainted, or he's dead.
Jack, snap out of it! Snap out of it!
- Oh, he's not dead, he moved. - Well, okay, Eddie, merry Christmas.
Can you fly a plane?
I'll take that as a no.
We got you on radar now, you're heading right for Maluka Airport.
- All you're gonna have to do is, well, land. - We're gonna die.
Now, relax. When we get you over the airport, we're going to talk you in.
And Eddie?
Yeah?
We're gonna clear the area of all incoming and outgoing flights.
All you're gonna have to worry about is to make a nice landing...
... right there on the tarmac.
You'll go down gradually and just coast on in.
- Okay. Okay. - Dad! Dad, you can't land on the tarmac!
- Probably not, but I gotta try. - This is a seaplane, Dad, a seaplane!
Tower! Tower! Mr. Tower, this is a seaplane!
Damn, forgot. Right. Shoot.
I'm getting so absent-minded.
Even easier. You'll just land right there in the bay in front of the airport...
... and we'll come on out and get you.
Now, just sit back, stay on course and relax.
No sweat.
How's Jack?
Audrey's breathing into his mouth.
Okay, easy does it.
Loosen your clothing. Good.
Planes will never replace boats as a means of transportation.
- People like to stay close to terra firma. - Uncle Nick.
Boats still sail on water, not earth.
Okay, Eddie, we got you in sight now.
There's the airport!
Now, here's what we want you to do: We want you to look at the altimeter.
- Where is it? - All right, calm down.
It's the gauge on the right-hand side of the panel.
You're now at 2000 feet. I want you to turn the wheel very slowly to your left...
... press it down gradually, very slowly.
- And Eddie? - Yeah?
Merry Christmas. Up.
Up! Pull it up, Eddie, come on!
Oh, no. No!
No, Eddie!
Okay, Eddie, we're gonna try it again now, slowly.
Slow, you damn idiot! Don't you know what slow means?
Muka?
If we don't die, will you be my girlfriend?
Well, thank you, Third.
I think you're terrific, but I don't think you're quite...
...grown-up enough for me. - I am grown up.
I've even seen a naked woman.
Anyway, if we don't die, I'm going back to my husband.
- Your husband? - Yes, Daniel.
He lives in Indianapolis.
Now, let's try it again there, Eddie, baby. And Eddie...
... you see that tall building with the glass all around it?
Good. Whatever you do, don't hit that building.
You see, that's the tower, Eddie, and that's where I am.
Now, what we're gonna do, you're gonna turn the wheel slowly...
... to the left again and press down.
No! No, Eddie!
No! No!
Dad, it's just like the time you drove the RV...
...off the side of the mountain and broke your leg.
Only, more dangerous.
It's more like the time you were fishing off that bridge and reached down...
...to tie your shoelaces and fell 50 feet into the water.
Only, this time we could all die.
You can do it, Dad, I know you can.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God!
Bingo.
And merry Christmas, Maluka.
We all heard about the shipwrecked Johnsons. Here's a video...
... from their daughter, currently appearing at the Bare Bottom Club in Las Vegas.
Merry Christmas, Third! How's my boy?
Aunt Jessica, you wouldn't believe what we've been through.
Not gonna show me travel movies, are you, Third?
Later.
Okay, so where's that old man of mine?
- And where are your folks? - Oh, well...
...my Mom and Dad and cousin Audrey are visiting a friend in the hospital.
Dad dropped a rock on him and gave him a brain concussion.
- And Uncle Nick's resting. - You go up and tell him I'm here.
If I walk in on him, he's liable to have a heart attack.
Sure.
Aunt Jessica, you didn't, did you?
Don't ask.
Boy, that Jack. He is okay, isn't he? What a great guy.
And he didn't even mention that I almost killed him.
I can't believe it.
He's married. Five kids.
I mean, my God, can't any man be trusted?
He was the great love of my life. I'll never love again.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
- Is he all right? - It's my husband.
Nervous breakdown.
Merry Christmas!
I'm so sorry. How long has he been like this?
Since this morning. He's an air traffic controller.
Hey, buddy!
Merry Christmas!
Come on, buddy, snap out of it.
Snap out of it!
No, Eddie!
Bless you! Oh, thank you!
You are a miracle worker.
Come on, let's get back to the motel.
I may become a nun.
Aunt Jessica.
So you finally got tired of that young fellow...
...and you decided to come crawling back to Uncle Nick.
And you're gonna take her back, I suppose.
Well, I have seen it all now.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the can.
I'm sorry for that little unpleasantness, darling.
That pig snot never did have no manners.
When you're finished, get your butt into the kitchen and fix me a decent dinner.
I've been eating nothing but burnt pig and bananas.
They're waiting for you inside, Eddie.
Thank you, Milwaukee.
Hi, Muka.
There's something I've gotta tell you.
You know, I'm sorry about asking you to be my girl...
...but I'm engaged.
She's beautiful.
Well, it'll take a while to get over it.
Yeah.
Eddie!
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!
Oh, Professor Doornitz!
We are so proud of you. All the newspapers carried your story.
Shipwrecked, swam 30 miles to rescue your family...
...built a two-story house with your own hands...
...killed a wild boar with manicure scissors!
Well...
What's he doing here?
You're replacing him. He's here on vacation.
Oh, no.
I'm staying right here.
I got myself a new job.
Well, Roy...
...looks like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.